Roof Deck View North July 31, 2022, Nanci Arvizu, personal collection
I am practicing patience. Or maybe I am practicing to be a patient?
Maybe I am already a patient -
being studied by some omnipresent energy who wants to know how far a human soul can be tested.
I listened to my friend and Astrosonic guide, Jennifer Gehl share affirmations as Leo glides into New Moon Activation, and I feel like what I’m feeling is confirmed -
it’s okay, this stuff that is happening. This stuff needs to happen and I
can not allow what is happening to cloud my vision
I must allow the path to unfold and trust
everything is going to be okay if I pay attention to the signs, breath, and believe.
The hardest part is believing. Believing the changes I want/need so badly to happen, will. And they will happen the way I want - the way I need them to - quietly, calmly, and as if it wasn’t my idea.
I think Jennifer says this perfectly in this month’s High Vibe Astrology meditation, “… and the highest good always prevails …”
It’s happened again. Something I have poured my heart and soul into - instead of working on my own stuff - is making me feel like I’ve been doing what I’m best at - spinning my wheels. I am really good at avoiding the things I need to do so I can do the things I dream of doing. This is a most frustrating personality flaw.
But, this life thing has a way of grabbing me by the wrist and dragging me, sometimes kicking and screaming in a fake temper tantrum, where I need to go. (That’s some fine weaving into my story of BJA/Greenday ❤️ right there.) And right now life is dragging, pushing, and finally, showing me small glimpses of what if…
What if I -
Do the Scary Stuff?
Allow Life to Show Me The Way?
WAIT?
Breathe?
Leap?
I’ve been here before. I remember the moment clearly. February 2019. My friend Jeri had been gone for a few weeks, and I was still reeling - from finding her, gone/deceased, alone but for her beloved and loved dogs, the aftermath of clearing out her home and then not speaking at her funeral had pushed the lava of my anger to the top of the volcano, and I was about to blow.
I had gone out to Rancho Milagro to talk with Vanessa Kohnen about it, I feel this need to leap. At that moment I also remember thinking that Vanessa is an angel. In just a few words, and a really great hug, she calmed the volcano. It may not have been all the way, but it was enough to be what I needed. ❤️🙏Vanessa.
I wanted to stir the pot. I wanted to encourage, poke, prod, and drag women and their stories out of the dark. I had become physically sick from the silence - the forced silence of women and our stories. And specifically, me and mine.
I wrote a few books during this time. They were books of the moment, things I needed to get out of me in a way that wasn’t screaming my pain from rooftops. Those stories manifested in essays, poetry, and, my favorite; twisted fiction.
This brings me to the Broadway Hit, Wicked. I was lucky enough to see the play with Kristin Chenowith and Idina Menzel just as it was taking off in Los Angeles. A woman from the neighborhood had tickets and I volunteered to drive. The seats were 3rd row from the stage, just off to the right a little. It was such an amazing experience, and an incredible story, I took my daughter to see it a couple of days later.
Two days ago while cleaning out a bookcase filled with DVDs and CDs - don’t laugh! I’ve kept them and TWO DVD/CD players for decades! - I came across the soundtrack to Wicked. I didn’t keep the CD, it went into the it’s-out-of-here-bucket. Instead, I downloaded the album to my phone and played Defying Gravity at maximum volume, singing like I’m a broadway star all the way to the donation drop-off.
Yes - the signs are saying - leap.
I spent a day looking up calls for submission deadlines. I discovered I missed the Coverplay Screen Play Submissions Contest. Again. I am determined to submit my screenplay next year. I’m also committing to one submission a month on top of working on my latest work in progress, Red Flags or Flowers, a collection of poetry, personal essays, and fictional stories, sharing my story of transgenerational dysfunction, narcissistic abuse, and sexual trauma and using the power of writing to heal. Yeah, it’s a lot.
This means establishing a writing habit, even in the chaotic midst of moving and dreaming of, - no, planning for - a very different life. One that includes a job, a steady paycheck, and if I’m lucky, a little socialization and good benefits. Will I keep writing during this time? Yes. I will continue to write because I know how healing writing can be, and I still need a lot of healing.
I spent the month of April writing one Haiku a day. Here is the one I wrote on April 30th, and here is a link to the series.
Rhythm of the words
Are forever in my mind
Writing heals the broken soul
I’ve been writing on Medium for a long time, sharing essays, personal stories, poetry, and, my favorite - fiction. Medium is a platform where a global community of readers and writers cross paths to share ideas, experiences, and dreams. Support my work and read everything else Medium offers by subscribing below. Thank you!
What about you?
What is the Universe trying to tell you lately?
Are you listening?
How’s it working out?
Are you ready to leap?
Roof Deck Veiw North July 31, 2022, Nanci Arvizu, personal collection
The Experiment of Life